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Jelly Bowl —

December 23, 2011

Previously, Heather discussed the War on Santa from Christmases past, while dufmanno reminded us that nobody likes a slim Santa.

Now, a hard-hitting exposé has gone to the heart of the matter and looked at whether anyone really wants a slim Santa.* Fair warning, one lady does engage in a bit of fat shaming when she basically says it isn’t Santa’s fault we’re all fat, but that responsibility starts at home. But there’s some cute kids in it, so it all balances out, right?

And if you’re looking for a new holiday classic, I would highly recommend buying a plane ticket to catch the premiere of the new holiday classic “Fat Santa 4 Ever,” an hilarious, festive romp through the holiday — oh fuck it, it’s a confusing, awkward trailer for a homemade, crappy Christmas movie being screened at some church in Northern Ireland tonight.

Finally, I’d like to share one of my personal favorite Christmas films (some of you will know where I’m going with this). There are the new classics, such as “Elf,” and the perennial favorites, such as “A Christmas Story,” but for me and V, it just isn’t Christmas without “Santa Claus.”

Now, you can go the purist route and watch this twisted, acid trip of a Mexican Christmas movie in its entirety on YouTube, or you can laugh your ass off with Mike and the Bots as they give it the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” treatment.

Forget everything you know about jolly old St. Nick and his reliable team of reindeer. Instead, you’re in for a great, big, heaping helping of nightmare fuel, such as the manic, cackling albino robot reindeer.

Plus, stuffed in between the layers of confusion, the MST crew shares one of my favorite Christmas carols** of all time, “Merry Christmas, If That’s Okay With You.”

Whether you’ll be celebrating the default American holiday this weekend, or in one of the many wonderful traditions in which we celebrate this festive time of year, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this twisted take on what you thought you knew about Santa, his “elves” (who, it turns out, include a factory full of children kidnapped from every corner of the globe, even though globes don’t have corners), and the elaborate surveillance system of Leon Panetta’s dreams.

Click here to watch the full screen version, or keep this small video playing in the background as you goof around on this slowest of work days.

And from all of us at Fierce, Freethinking Fatties, may you and your family have a wonderful Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Solstice/Festivus/Nothing at All!

*Just kidding, it’s a cheaply-made, poorly-acted YouTube video.

**Well, not a carol, because that’s a woman’s name.

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