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Fat Acceptance Is Always There For Me

June 20, 2012

Trigger warning: Brief mention of struggling with ED thoughts.

I haven’t been up to writing too much lately. Pretty early, I went from writing bi-weekly to monthly. The truth is that I deal with some pretty severe depression stemming from post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder.

More and more I feel overwhelmed and unfit to speak for anyone, let alone the fat community. I feel small and insignificant beside the greats, like I’ll never live up to my idols and I fear running out of content or losing the ability to write.

Unfortunately with bipolar disorder, depression isn’t the only demon I face. Extreme anxiety and feeling like the world is crashing in is also common. I feel like I’m terrible at anything and everything.

Worse, I find myself facing older demons such as eating disordered thoughts, especially every single time the doctor, whom I see often for my thyroid, takes my weight. She even recommended a diet book which I didn’t realize was a diet book until I bought it and started reading.

What do you say to that? “Gee, thanks for wasting my money on a useless pile of crap”?

Being fat isn’t hard. Being fat when all of society hates you is hard, and being fat when you deal with crushing depression that has you internalizing that hatred in a very serious way is really hard.

And still, I’m at a better place thanks to Fat Acceptance. At a much better place than I was before I found it, when that internalized hatred would have turned me toward dangerous thinking in more ways than one. In so many ways Fat Acceptance has saved my life.

I know this is a short and sort of off-topic post, but I just wanted to say thank you to Fat Acceptance and everyone in it. I may not always be blogging and speaking up as actively as I have in the past, but someone will be and that someone will be changing lives.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. vesta44 permalink
    June 20, 2012 12:43 pm

    Doctors can be such asshats. They don’t realize sometimes that they’re supposed to be treating the whole person, not just one set of symptoms, like depression, or weight, or thyroid, or bipolar, or a sinus infection, or whatever else you’re presenting with at the time. Each illness that they treat has an impact on every other aspect of your life and every other issue you’re dealing with, and I think doctors forget that when they’re trying to treat a specific thing. And the burden shouldn’t have to be on us to remind them that they’re not treating one illness or issue, that they’re treating a whole person with all that entails and they really need to think about how what they’re saying/doing is going to impact your treatment as well as your well-being and your life.
    That being said, I’m glad you’re still a part of FFF, and still contributing. This isn’t an off-topic post, it addresses something a lot of us face, but don’t talk much about – dealing with mental health issues and fat hatred and how it affects our ability to be activists for FA. I deal with depression, and have for years, but had to quit taking antidepressants because every one that I tried either turned me into a zombie, took away what little libido I had, or made me the PsychoBitchFromHell. For me, it’s easier to deal with the depression without medication than it is to deal with the medication’s side effects and still have to deal with depression. It’s also why I only contribute once a month. Finding the inspiration to blog about FA isn’t easy when I’m dealing with everything else that’s going on in my life. So I understand, sorta kinda maybe, where you’re coming from, and I’m glad FA is helpful for you, and I hope it continues to be so.

  2. June 20, 2012 12:46 pm

    Yes, you have two battles to fight, depression and fat acceptance. It sucks, because very few people understand either unless they have been there or are there. That is why it is so great to have an awesome community that tells you the truth every day, that it is the idiots that need changing not you, dont change a thing about your fabulous self, in fact, go hug yourself and tell your body that it is an awesome best friend to have. I deal with both depression and acceptance, and have recently stopped dieting (i could be a size7-12) if I lived on 1000calories a day, but realized that dieting wasnt working and it was screwing up my life. We both are lucky that we do have talented writing friends who are getting the word out about accepting our bodies and loving them. And know, you are great, and every little thing you do is exactly what you should be doing. Your psyche comes first, your well being comes first.

  3. fatology101 permalink
    June 20, 2012 12:58 pm

    My heart cried reading your post. Im so sorry. Yep, I deal with anxiety. Take little meds as possible. It is tough to live in a world that ‘hates’ fat. You know we dont care how often you blog. We enjoy reading when you do. We are here for each other. Everything you said is the reason I wrote my book. I dont mean to toot my own horn. I am a person who likes to dig in and find the reason why. I worked on my book for 30 years looking for answers as to why I am fat. Learning that I was born that way helped me quite a bit. Now I have it all documented and proof food has nothing to do with being fat. Now, my goal is to tell the world. NOt everyone will accept my findings. But if I can do my part to bring the truth out to as many people as possible, the chances are good I can change some minds. And with all that Atchka, Ragen, Linda Bacon, Marilyn Wann and others are doing, maybe some day this world will be ‘nice’ to each other. Until then, I wish I had an answer for you to help you feel better. Remember the movie with the line, “Im mad as hell and Im not going to take it any more”. Speak up for yourself. Dont let people treat you badly. Dont be afraid like I have been. They seem to have no problem hurting your feelings so who cares if you go right back at them? They are mad and rude anyway. My book goes on sale tomorrow or Friday. Fatology101.com. I hope I dont offend anyone for posting my book. I am here to help you and I help myself when I help others. Thanks

  4. Cat permalink
    June 20, 2012 1:59 pm

    Thanks for writing this. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, and perhaps Adult ADD for 16 years now. A lot of people will say that I am depressed because I am fat, that is not so. When I began treatment, I realized that I felt the way I do for as long as I can remember. I was born with it. A traumatic event could have kicked it into gear, but it was always there. I take a lot of meds. I am trying to come off some, but I need my antidepressants. Yes, they stole my libido, but my husband would rather have me rational.

    Your very existence in the FA community and what you have done, has made a world of difference in my life. FA has changed me quite a bit, and I am happy for it. People may not agree, but if we keep at it, perhaps some day we will have the respect that we deserve.

  5. the fat aspie permalink
    June 20, 2012 2:57 pm

    I like reading what you have to contribute. Having any kind of mental health issue magnifies the effects of fat hate, and you *do* help the rest of us because you are there. You’re not some person who has never been depressed telling us how we feel. Thank you for that!

  6. June 20, 2012 3:25 pm

    I thought you were one of the greats. Weird.

    And I, like so many others, look forward to your posts. In fact, there isn’t a blogger on here who doesn’t contribute something invaluable and unique to our message. But I completely understand your hesitation and fear that you’ll run out of content or anything interesting to say. The good(?) news is, the War on Fat is so pervasive and so wide-spread that we’re unlikely to run out of material any time soon. 🙂

    I’m glad that Fat Acceptance has taken some of the burden off you, but I hope you can see through the self-loathing mirage created by your depression and see that you are now, and always will be, an amazing person through and through.

    Peace,
    Shannon

  7. June 20, 2012 3:45 pm

    I think that anyone who stands up and speaks out is one of the greats, so that would include you. Too many people are so afraid, so beaten down by the repeated messages that Fat is Bad, they don’t have it in them to stand up and say anything any more. It doesn’t matter if you write one post a day, or one post a year, or one post a lifetime because that one post is one more voice saying, “We don’t accept your bigotry and your hatred, so put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

    *HUG*

  8. June 20, 2012 6:34 pm

    I think you are amazing for writing anything – especially when dealing with depression. I would be too afraid of negative comment to post anything about FA, and even in the blog I do run I worry about negative comments someday. I too have bipolar, although I’m in a good place right now, and take many meds. One of the things I’ve noticed is that either people assume that if I lose weight I will magically become all better, or else they clock the meds and say “oh it isn’t your fault you’re fat, it’s those pills. stop taking them.” To many I am apparently an “acceptable fat person” and they make ‘excuses’ for my weight. I don’t understand why people are so interested in my weight anyway, it is not who I am, it has no effect on my personality and in any case – how exactly is it their business?
    I am lucky though that my doctor does not talk about my weight (although in my first meeting with a new psychiatrist she offered me a dietician) I think because he thinks I may relapse into depression if “fat-shamed”.

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