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Bikini Anxieties

September 5, 2012

I wrote about this on my main blog, but I wanted to share here too. I recently did a bikini photoshoot. I did one last year too and I plan on doing one next year. Many people have commented on my bravery and confidence, but the truth is that even as a Fat Acceptance activist, I still have hard days. Days when I look at myself and I hate what I see.

Don’t let anyone fool you, social indoctrination is not easy to get rid of and it doesn’t happen overnight. Despite my fast turn around from self-hater to activist, I still struggle with eating disordered thoughts, the fantasy of being thin, and low self-esteem on occasion.

That isn’t to say that Fat Acceptance hasn’t helped with all of these things. Thanks to Fat Acceptance, I am in recovery for my ED (which is known as eating disorder not otherwise specified), I’ve accepted my size, and I love myself now more than I ever have. Many of you know by now that I suffer from bipolar disorder and I’ve not once had a depressive episode due to my appearances since Fat Acceptance and that’s really saying something.

But those bad days still creep in. Despite this, I posted the full set of photos hereΒ and I will post a few on Fierce Fatties. Why? Because even when I hate my body, I know that it’s beautiful and perfect and I want others to see their bodies that way too.

I want you to know that a bad day or low self-esteem should never stop you from doing exactly what you want to do, exactly when you want to do it, and, for me, that means wearing my fatkini with pride.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. thegoddessishtar permalink
    September 5, 2012 1:00 pm

    My fear of being shamed, ridiculed and/or abused for wearing whatever I want has hobbled me.

  2. Fab@54 permalink
    September 5, 2012 4:52 pm

    You Rock! ^5

  3. September 6, 2012 10:56 pm

    Way to be strong! You’re awesome!


  4. The Real Cie permalink
    September 12, 2012 11:09 am

    You are so brave. I won’t even swim or do water workouts anywhere except the therapy pool where I work after hours because I am so hypersensitive about having people see me in a swimsuit. I once stayed in the bathroom stall in the locker room for 20 minutes because a co-worker came in while I was peeing and stayed in there doing her damn makeup, and I was too self conscious to come out because I didn’t want her to see me in my swimsuit. I think that’s pathetic on my part. But remembering back to the days when I was art modeling at 149 pounds and being told I was the “fattest model” that they worked with, it’s kind of no wonder. (I’m now quite bigger than 149 pounds.)

  5. thegoddessishtar permalink
    September 12, 2012 12:42 pm

    Cie, I feel your pain.

    • The Real Cie permalink
      September 12, 2012 1:39 pm

      Thank you. πŸ™‚ Sometimes it helps just to know that someone else understands.

  6. David permalink
    October 10, 2012 11:12 pm

    Nothing to be ashamed of Cie ur awesome not everybody is made for everybody n please know that there are one set of special people who appreciate the beauty that lies in YOU! not in the eyes of the beholder.

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