Skip to content

Bikini Anxieties

September 5, 2012

I wrote about this on my main blog, but I wanted to share here too. I recently did a bikini photoshoot. I did one last year too and I plan on doing one next year. Many people have commented on my bravery and confidence, but the truth is that even as a Fat Acceptance activist, I still have hard days. Days when I look at myself and I hate what I see.

Don’t let anyone fool you, social indoctrination is not easy to get rid of and it doesn’t happen overnight. Despite my fast turn around from self-hater to activist, I still struggle with eating disordered thoughts, the fantasy of being thin, and low self-esteem on occasion.

That isn’t to say that Fat Acceptance hasn’t helped with all of these things. Thanks to Fat Acceptance, I am in recovery for my ED (which is known as eating disorder not otherwise specified), I’ve accepted my size, and I love myself now more than I ever have. Many of you know by now that I suffer from bipolar disorder and I’ve not once had a depressive episode due to my appearances since Fat Acceptance and that’s really saying something.

But those bad days still creep in. Despite this, I posted the full set of photos hereΒ and I will post a few on Fierce Fatties. Why? Because even when I hate my body, I know that it’s beautiful and perfect and I want others to see their bodies that way too.

I want you to know that a bad day or low self-esteem should never stop you from doing exactly what you want to do, exactly when you want to do it, and, for me, that means wearing my fatkini with pride.

Advertisements
8 Comments leave one →
  1. thegoddessishtar permalink
    September 5, 2012 1:00 pm

    My fear of being shamed, ridiculed and/or abused for wearing whatever I want has hobbled me.

  2. Fab@54 permalink
    September 5, 2012 4:52 pm

    You Rock! ^5

  3. September 6, 2012 10:56 pm

    Way to be strong! You’re awesome!

    Peace,
    Shannon

  4. The Real Cie permalink
    September 12, 2012 11:09 am

    You are so brave. I won’t even swim or do water workouts anywhere except the therapy pool where I work after hours because I am so hypersensitive about having people see me in a swimsuit. I once stayed in the bathroom stall in the locker room for 20 minutes because a co-worker came in while I was peeing and stayed in there doing her damn makeup, and I was too self conscious to come out because I didn’t want her to see me in my swimsuit. I think that’s pathetic on my part. But remembering back to the days when I was art modeling at 149 pounds and being told I was the “fattest model” that they worked with, it’s kind of no wonder. (I’m now quite bigger than 149 pounds.)

  5. thegoddessishtar permalink
    September 12, 2012 12:42 pm

    Cie, I feel your pain.

    • The Real Cie permalink
      September 12, 2012 1:39 pm

      Thank you. πŸ™‚ Sometimes it helps just to know that someone else understands.

  6. David permalink
    October 10, 2012 11:12 pm

    Nothing to be ashamed of Cie ur awesome not everybody is made for everybody n please know that there are one set of special people who appreciate the beauty that lies in YOU! not in the eyes of the beholder.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: