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Hot & Heavy

November 8, 2012

Growing up, I was always the biggest and the tallest. I was six feet tall before leaving middle school. I NEVER felt feminine. I always felt too tall, too big. It took finding Fat Acceptance to embrace my girly side, to wear skirts and dresses. And then I found the joys of making out and sex and — WOWIE! —I was a big, tall, awkward, but SEXY, tomboy. After reading Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion, I realized that I am not the only one out there feeling this way by far.

Hot & Heavy (available in paperback and on Kindle) just came out. It’s 31 short essays edited by Virgie Tovar, published by Seal Press.

It feels so GOOD to know that I was not the only big, but pretty, girl; the one with the round belly and gorgeous face; the one with the body that boys loved and girls hated. Rachel Kacenjar put it fairly succinctly  in her essay “2Fat2Fuck”:

Eating and fucking, fucking and eating.  These were the actions I was supposed to ashamed of, but I wasn’t. I felt revolutionary. I felt like I had a secret other girls couldn’t have. I felt invigorated by the glory of my body and its power.  Maybe I’d been fucking around for all the wrong reasons or, shit, maybe they were the right ones. All I know is I learned to love my body by letting other people love my body. Even if it was selfish, or just to get off. Even if they just loved me with their dick or their mouth or their fingers, and not their hearts, they still accepted me — somehow anyway.They always seemed to have an easier time accepting me than I did.

I found it so hard to accept that the world hated my body so much. I was tall and pretty, but because being so tall also came with size 14 jeans I was labeled too fat for “popular” clothing. By the beginning of middle school, I believed all the girls thought I was ugly because I was fat. Like Ashely Young in her essay “Big Bellies” wrote:

Puberty came much earlier than I expected. I was in 5th grade and it was only a few weeks in… I got my period. I was fat — too fat to fit into clothes in the girls junior’s section at the mall.  Between my thighs, my hips and my tits, I was officially a plus-sized girl.

But then the boy finally got their hormones and they finally started caring about boobies. Boy did I get some attention, then. Though that sexual attention makes some girls uncomfortable, it made me feel beautiful, made me realize people could love my body, which made me look at my body differently. I started looking at myself as something that COULD be desired.

This book strives to show ALL women they are beautiful because of, not in spite of, their curves.

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