Kirby is Making Our Kids Fat
Hi everyone! It’s JeninCanada, back from baby-bearing hiatus. I thought I’d get started again with a scathing review of Kirby, Nintendo’s squishy pink hero, and how he is at least partially responsible for the childhood obesity epidemic.
Waaay back in 1992 (I was 8 years old at the time), Nintendo created “the pinkest badass ever made” with the game “Kirby’s DreamLand.” Badass? Yeah, bad at making asses bigger! My neighbour had a copy for his Gameboy and we spent countless hours trying to retrieve stolen food from King DeDeDe and bring joy to planet PopStar; hours we could have and should have spent playing outside and being active. Since his debut, Kirby has released 20 titles through Nintendo, and is it any coincidence that in that 20-year period children have been getting fatter and fatter? I don’t think so.
Kirby’s most well-known, original ability is the ability to eat anything; blocks, bad guys, stones and, sadly, candy. Many of the power-ups in his games are things like doughnuts, chocolate bars and lollipops, many of which also restore his health. Of course, we know that eating these things is bad for you, so kids are getting all the wrong message from Kirby on what to eat, and also the wrong message on portion size. No wonder children aren’t satisfied with what they have — they’re looking to super-size meals in order to emulate that pink blob.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but all of this didn’t become apparent to me until we bought Gabe a copy of “Kirby’s Return To Dreamland” for his birthday. It’d been a long time since I’d seen or played a Kirby game, and I’d honestly forgotten how troubling it was. It didn’t take long at all for the horrors to unfold, though. The opening scene had Kirby being chased by an enemy over a piece of cake! The first level is named Cookie Country! Gabe played through the levels with a fair bit of ease and Kirby munched on many undesirable foods along the way, even devouring a lollipop and gaining invincibility for a short period of time. Later on, he goes to White Wafers, a land clearly out of a Dairy Queen dream. They probably partnered with Nintendo to make this game! The super-copy ability of ice makes Kirby look like a bowl of soft serve. Need I say more?
Nintendo’s Kirby is wrecking havoc on our kid’s health, and like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, he should be booted from popular culture toot sweet! Unfortunately, instead of that happening, Nintendo is releasing a 20-year anniversary Wii game that brings together all of Kirby’s “best” video game moments.
I can only imagine the destructive, unhealthy and downright catastrophic effects this is going to have on our children’s health. Forget profits! Wont someone think of the children?!