Skip to content

Kirby is Making Our Kids Fat

November 12, 2012

Hi everyone! It’s JeninCanada, back from baby-bearing hiatus. I thought I’d get started again with a scathing review of Kirby, Nintendo’s squishy pink hero, and how he is at least partially responsible for the childhood obesity epidemic.

Waaay back in 1992 (I was 8 years old at the time), Nintendo created “the pinkest badass ever made”Β with the game “Kirby’s DreamLand.” Badass? Yeah, bad at making asses bigger! My neighbour had a copy for his Gameboy and we spent countless hours trying to retrieve stolen food from King DeDeDe and bring joy to planet PopStar; hours we could have and should have spent playing outside and being active. Since his debut, Kirby has released 20 titles through Nintendo, and is it any coincidence that in that 20-year period children have been getting fatter and fatter? I don’t think so.

Kirby’s most well-known, original ability is the ability to eat anything; blocks, bad guys, stones and, sadly, candy. Many of the power-ups in his games are things like doughnuts, chocolate bars and lollipops, many of which also restore his health. Of course, we know that eating these things is bad for you, so kids are getting all the wrong message from Kirby on what to eat, and also the wrong message on portion size. No wonder children aren’t satisfied with what they have β€”Β they’re looking to super-size meals in order to emulate that pink blob.

An image of Kirby riding a star

I’m ashamed to admit it, but all of this didn’t become apparent to me until we bought Gabe a copy of “Kirby’s Return To Dreamland” for his birthday. It’d been a long time since I’d seen or played a Kirby game, and I’d honestly forgotten how troubling it was. It didn’t take long at all for the horrors to unfold, though. The opening scene had Kirby being chased by an enemy over a piece of cake! The first level is named Cookie Country! Gabe played through the levels with a fair bit of ease and Kirby munched on many undesirable foods along the way, even devouring a lollipop and gaining invincibility for a short period of time. Later on, he goes to White Wafers, a land clearly out of a Dairy Queen dream. They probably partnered with Nintendo to make this game! The super-copy ability of ice makes Kirby look like a bowl of soft serve. Need I say more?

Nintendo’s Kirby is wrecking havoc on our kid’s health, and like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, he should be booted from popular culture toot sweet! Unfortunately, instead of that happening, Nintendo is releasing a 20-year anniversary Wii game that brings together all of Kirby’s “best” video game moments.

I can only imagine the destructive, unhealthy and downright catastrophic effects this is going to have on our children’s health. Forget profits! Wont someone think of the children?!

18 Comments leave one →
  1. vesta44 permalink
    November 12, 2012 10:37 am

    Hmmmm, we had a Nintendo, and then a SuperNintendo, and I don’t remember this game at all. Of course, my son was more into the Zelda/Castlevania-type games, and he played a lot of D & D (Dungeons and Dragons) with the kids across the street and their parents (and got me involved in D & D eventually). I was more into Tetris and Dr Mario. Even so, with all the video games my son played, he still spent a lot of time outside, riding his bike and trying to make ramps so he could do jumps and tricks with it. I never worried that the hours he spent reading or playing video games was going to make him fat, I was more worried that he inherited my family’s genes and those were going to make him fat. So far, he seems to have dodged that bullet (and he’s 37 now).

    • JeninCanada permalink
      November 12, 2012 1:49 pm

      Amazing how kids can play in their own way, according to their own interests, and end up happy (and possibly healthy as well)? Someone alert the press! πŸ˜€

  2. Duckie Graham permalink
    November 12, 2012 12:24 pm

    I seriously hope this is sarcasm with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

    • November 12, 2012 1:47 pm

      Of course. I’m a long-time (if sporadic) contributor here, and I would never write something like this in any way seriously. It’s meant to be satire.

    • November 12, 2012 1:48 pm

      I would more call it satire with a subtle “fuck you” tucked beneath the surface for those who engage in this sort of nonsense.


  3. bj1980 permalink
    November 12, 2012 12:54 pm

    Hey, something just occured to me. Kirby’s a rotund, heavyset sort of fellow. Yet he’s a swordsman, a hand-to-hand specialist, a dancer, and an acrobat.

    They probably didn’t mean to do it, but Nintendo’s given the world a video game Fit Fattie.

    • JeninCanada permalink
      November 12, 2012 1:48 pm

      That’s brilliant. Now I wish I had written that instead of this!

    • November 12, 2012 1:48 pm

      That’s true… for a fatty whose most celebrated skill is eating, he’s an active little bastard.


      • JeninCanada permalink
        November 12, 2012 1:55 pm

        Kirby can fly by inhaling air. He can fly *indefinitely* just from inhaling and then pumping his arms. So not only are his arms amazingly strong, so are his lungs!

        • bj1980 permalink
          November 12, 2012 3:03 pm

          And . . . Kirby Dance!

          • JeninCanada permalink
            November 12, 2012 4:07 pm

            Gorram. Every website needs a ‘like’ button. πŸ˜€ Thanks for this!

            <(^_^^_^)> ^(^_^)^

  4. lifeonfats permalink
    November 12, 2012 5:27 pm

    I never played Kirby. I was a Tetris girl and I constantly borrowed my brother’s Nintendo to play Mario Paint and Composer. But I find it hilarious and disturbing that innocent, family-friendly video game characters have now turned into pariahs for the anti-fat kids crowd. Give it a rest people!

    • JeninCanada permalink
      November 12, 2012 8:10 pm

      I feel bad every year when Santa comes under fire for his ‘bowl full of jelly’ belly. I figured hey, if Santa gets a bad rap, why not a cute dude like Kirby?
      ps. Mario Paint is the MF best.

  5. November 12, 2012 5:30 pm

    Oh, noes! I’ve never played Kirby, and I’m still fat. Who can I blame?

  6. November 12, 2012 9:16 pm

    You so TOTALLY forgot to mention the ULTIMATE health item is… A TOMATO! The Metamato! That proves Kirby eats his vegetables too and is thus healthy. It’s not my fault you didn’t eat your metamatoes (metamatos?). Also, enemies are full of protein… I’m sure of it… wait.. Something seems wrong here…. I’m sure it’s nothing.

    • JeninCanada permalink
      November 13, 2012 11:44 am

      I didn’t forget! I conveniently left that out as it doesn’t fit my views! πŸ˜‰

  7. November 13, 2012 7:31 am

    The question that no one is asking is: What is Kirby’s body mass index?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: