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Diet Book Hilarity

November 13, 2012

Trigger warning: Mockery of diet books ahead.

This post isn’t going to be about the fact that diets don’t work. Everyone who has been on a diet knows that they don’t. This post is just to give you a good laugh at some of the ridiculous theories and suggestions we have been subjected to over the years.

First of all, let’s get started with advice from people we are supposed to emulate. It’s not a diet book, per se, just a general, overall treatise on how to be one of the beautiful people:

Question: Where are the windshield wipers for those glasses? And Her Royal Highness didn’t even write this herself (notice the “as told to” note at the bottom). I can just see it now: Princess Luciana is sitting on her divan across from the author, about to grace us with her most elegant wisdom, as she gently tinkles the bell for Jeeves to bring the writer a cup of English breakfast tea and another vodka on the rocks for herself. Jesus. I wonder how the writer got through this interview without either gagging or breaking into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Next up is this little gem:

Of course it’s simple! Eat bananas! Nothing else! How much simpler can it get? Dumbasses.

You can tell this diet worked for this woman because of the smile on her face. You just know that she has a gorgeous hunk lounging in bed, waiting to help her out. Each orgasm = 300 calories. No wonder! Don’t you want to try this one? I sure do.

Hmmm… I didn’t realize the Holy Land was such a great locale for losing weight. Personally, I’d rather check out the Dome of the Rock or one of the other gazillion historical landmarks that fostered the foundation of so many world religions, but who knew… I might as well go on a diet while I’m there too!

And while we’re in the ballpark:

Yes, God Himself has given us His own Diet, highlighted by those authoritative, pointing fingers. And here I was thinking He’d done enough work giving us all those commandments! These people have no shame and really owe God an apology, not to mention His share of the profits.

Here is the answer: eat like a caveman. I can’t wait to see those delicious Paleo recipes. What are they? Roasted gazelle with grass stew? And afterward, you can work off the calories by running your ass off from the saber-toothed tiger! Makes sense.

This next one I’m a little conflicted about, and it’ll be easy to see why:

God knows I’m a rebel, so they’re really going for my demographic here… not to mention that it looks like you might get to eat chocolate! Any diet that includes chocolate is at least worth considering, right?

I have saved my absolute favorite for last:

The title really says it all, doesn’t it? Do absolutely nothing, don’t change your habits at all, and the pounds will just melt off! Such sage advice. You can bet the chick in the bikini tried this diet, right? I have a feeling that Dr. Pezzi got his medical degree in the mail.

One undeniable bonus of diet books, people: They really know how to give us a good laugh.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Lauren C. permalink
    November 13, 2012 9:14 am

    Awesome post!

  2. November 13, 2012 9:35 am

    I have to cop to really liking Paleo food, though. No grains, all natural, unprocessed sugars, fruits, veggies, and high quality meats and fats. It’s really incredibly yummerific. If only it wasn’t “no dairy”, I’d eat that way all the time just because it’s sooooo good. But you’ll pry my dairy from my cold, dead hands, so I just eat a lot of “paleo” type food and add cream and cheese.

    Seriously – you want some tasty recipes? Look up “paleomg.com”… Especially the slow cooker stuff!

    NOT endorsing THE BOOK… OR the “diet” or the weight loss aspect… But those people know how to cook!

    • November 13, 2012 1:06 pm

      Me and my husband went to a vegan restaurant for lunch today and it was incredible. They had these absolutely delicious “quinoa onion rings” (quinoa crusted outside), which were huge and sizzling hot and very very yummy. Then we both had wraps …. mine had sweet potato, zucchini, tomatoes, cucumber, and some other unidentified stuff that was yum … in short, the place was incredible.

    • November 13, 2012 2:00 pm

      Here’s my beef with Paleo. They make it sound like the obesity epidemic is because nobody eats like cavemen anymore. Really? Were we eating like Cavemen in the 1950s, when people were acceptably thin? I don’t think so! I don’t think most dietary philosophies, I just think they are ridiculous as prescriptions for weight loss.

      Peace,
      Shannon

  3. November 13, 2012 11:14 am

    The Ultimate Fuck You Diet!

  4. November 13, 2012 11:28 am

    If I hadn’t stopped laughing about diets several decades ago, I’d be in hysterics right now. Nice selection, and I think most of the authors would be happy that we got a kick out of their approaches, even if we strongly doubted their effectiveness. (Cf. MST3K: some of the people whose films got heckled were VERY good sports about it, verging on overt agreement that the films were “cheesy.”)

  5. The Smokin' Deist permalink
    November 13, 2012 2:38 pm

    The only good diet I found was the diabetic exchange. However, I think that has actual science backing it up unlike fad diets. I lost some weight, but I was more happy that I was just eating healthier. It was more successful than exercise alone. Now you may or may not lose weight eating this way, but you will be eating a healthier diet.

  6. wendyrg permalink
    November 13, 2012 4:03 pm

    I seem to remember the banana diet. Was that from the early 70s (showing my age)?

  7. Kala permalink
    November 13, 2012 5:44 pm

    Oh, you mentioned Paleo. I hope this doesn’t trigger any Google alerts for the paleo-pushers that seem to show up any time paleo is mentioned in any context, to sing of its praises. +1000 points if you get some Weston A. Price Foundation members.

    • Mulberry permalink
      November 14, 2012 6:22 pm

      I lost a bunch of weight by pills (not specifically for weight loss) and illness. All that weight loss makes me feel much more like a shriveled-up old prune. I keep it off by remaining sick. Just like you, I also lost my tits. I felt more womanly when I was much fatter, and was able to eat more and get a little exercise.

    • Kala permalink
      November 14, 2012 6:48 pm

      I can’t tell if Brian is serious, an elegant troll, or a regular reader making a sarcastic comment. Here’s to hoping for the latter.

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