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I’m your worst nightmare

January 10, 2013

Many of you know by now that I’ve suffered with an eating disorder for over a decade now (in recovery two years). I am also a member of a couple of ED recovery groups, as well as being a moderator for a Body Acceptance subreddit. Between those things, I see a lot of fatphobia.

I mean a lot.

I don’t mean the cruel, mocking kind (though we get our fair share of trolls *cough*fitnesscirclejerk*cough*). I mean people literally terrified of becoming fat, terrified that they might be fat, and horrified that they are fat. I see a lot of “I ‘feel’ fat” from an awful lot of very thin people. So I want to address two issues in this post. One is the “I feel fat” and second is, well, the fact that I’m their worst nightmare.

I feel fat. When I see this I think of that Willy Wonka meme and think, “Oh, you feel fat? Please tell me, an actual fat person, about how awful that is.” I see this mostly on the Body Acceptance subreddit that I mod for and my response tends to always be the same. Fat is not a feeling, it’s a state of being. That’s right. Fat is not a feeling.

Fat is being the owner of more adipose tissue than the average person. Fat is not a size 6 woman having an extra helping of dessert and feeling guilty and calling herself fat. Fat is not because you went up a pant size. Fat isn’t just because you’re having something like a bad hair day. Fat doesn’t suddenly *POOF* appear on your body for 24 hours during a “Fat Day.” Being fat means living in a fat body all day, every day. It means dealing with constant stigma, oppression, ridicule, and abuse. Fat is a characteristic. It. Is. NOT. A. Feeling.

Calling fat a feeling erases the experiences — the actual lived experiences — of every fat person. More so, when you say you feel fat you’re telling us that fat is a bad thing to be. Not only is it incredibly rude to say this to an actual fat person or with actual fat people around, but your insecurity reveals a fatphobia. I’m not saying this fatphobia is your fault. We’re all programmed with various privileges and prejudices from childhood. But once you’re an adult it is your job to challenge these privileges and prejudices.  How do you think it makes me (a size 22 fat woman) feel when you (a size 8 thin woman) say “Oh god, I feel so FAT!” as if your world has suddenly crumbled? You feel fat? Well I am fat and I assure you that it’s not the worst thing in the world to be.

Maybe one of the hardest things about dealing with the constant onslaught of fatphobia, however, is the fact that I know I’m these people’s worst nightmares. I am what they’re afraid to become. When I reply to these threads with, “Hi, actual fat person here…” people don’t know how to act or respond. They don’t know what to do with themselves. This is especially difficult in eating disorder forums. I am the reason for your disease. You’re so afraid of becoming me that you’ve put your life in danger. I often find it hard to seek help myself in places like this for that very reason. And before you say anything, I realize that there are often multiple compounding reasons for eating disorders. BUT we cannot deny that fatphobia plays a huge rule. After all, we know that dieting is a risk factor for EDs and that those who are overweight, or perceive themselves to be overweight, are also at a greater risk. And, of course, you just can’t erase the thousands upon thousands of posts proclaiming their fear of fat.

I wish I had a really great and brilliant solution for how to solve these issues. I wish it were black and white. Unfortunately I don’t know the answer to this problem, except to spread Body Acceptance and Size Acceptance as far as we can, as fast as we can. We have schools weighing children and we expect them not to obsess over their weight. They get graded on their BMI and we expect them to be safe from dieting. My son’s school has a Biggest Loser contest for staff and we expect it not to rub off on our children. We have a culture that villainizes fat and fat people, but we’re shocked when our loved ones are dissatisfied with their bodies. A culture of hate cannot produce love and acceptance (and boy does this go for any kind of hate). For me, I’ll keep helping these people, letting them know that there’s nothing wrong with being fat, recommending books and blogs and resources, and sharing my own experiences as a fat woman, and hope that I help someone, one person, realize that every body is beautiful.

30 Comments leave one →
  1. January 10, 2013 10:11 am

    I think first off, I think you are awesome and a lot of the things you say I agree. However because in my case I play in strange sandboxes as an FA who as a wls peep(no promotion of this in anyway, but just because I’m anti-wls, I do need the understanding that some people unless they’ve had wls, can only get)
    I also have in addition friends who have always been thin. And they suffer from body dysmorphia and ED NOS, exercise bulemia, etc. Part of them knows when they are posting 500 pics of “thinspiration” a day (I also get that from my FB wls buds) they aren’t fat. The problem is for the few friends I do know in the past, or in the present because of the stigmatization of Fat in society, what they grew up at home (in my case I truly was a fat kid, teased unmercifully, then I went home and was teased more and restricted on what I could eat) However not everyone in FA has had or has an ED.
    This got bought up last week (and please I’m not trying to rekindle the fire, so to speak) about the word fatty used in Fat Acceptance. I because of my history it stings. It still stings even though I know being fat isn’t a felony, how I’ve been treated my whole entire life because of it being on my body, I can say I own the acceptance and the movement, I many not necessarily agree with the terminology, I don’t believe it makes me less of an activist.
    But getting back to your blog. Some of the people who do use the word fat and aren’t, I truthfully have had to give up on. Those who are FB friends with me, find I explain in great detail why I’m activist, but I don’t have the patience even though I know in my heart that my not fighting for acceptance when I see certain friends (actually used to see, while I don’t unfriend and block, I do hide those friends from my news feed) who bombard with the thinspiration/ I feel fat today.
    I guess in that case I’m more revolved. I may have trouble eating as gastric bypass patient gone wrong, but I don’t pretend I don’t like to eat when I’m capable. I don’t engage in what I call “Female Social Intercourse” of ladies who lunch for example and debate whether or not “they are going to be bad” if they split a fucking fruit plate for dessert. In my head and heart they can fucking knock themselves out making their weight their world, everyone’s business if the part of them knows they are thin (and a key indicator is friends who complain about fat days, but have 98,426 pics of them in a bikini and every other check-in is at Bebe or the gym. Whatever.
    Please know I adore your blog, admire your amazing writing skills which I lack due to my ongoing complications with wls. And am still fat. I feel fat because I am. I don’t let it define me, and it ain’t a felony. It’s pathetic people lives and mindsets are so small they think otherwise. Congrats on a job well done. Peace, Lisa

    • January 10, 2013 10:14 am

      clarification, I meant I don’t have to like the word, fatty (even though I love Fierce,Freethinking, Fatties) because of the past triggering it does but appreciate those who own it and wear it proudly, I can do that as I said with being a Fat Acceptance advocate, why I get caught up in words, hopefully is more understandable. I wasn’t clear and I normally am not, sadly. I apologize….

    • The Real Cie permalink
      January 11, 2013 2:56 am

      I had a frenemy like that a few years back, the kind who calls herself fat even though she isn’t. I understood where she was coming from, because she is a former ballet dancer, and there is such pressure on them to be extremely thin. But she kept going on about how “fat” she was, meaning 135 pounds. Since I weigh close to 300, you can imagine how that made me feel. I told her that her referring to herself as fat was erroneous and also hurtful to me, because I actually am fat. She then started concern trolling me because of my size. I eventually had to cut her out of my life, not just for this reason, but it was a big part of the problem.

  2. Duckie Graham permalink
    January 10, 2013 10:59 am

    Well said, Heather. Thank you.

  3. vesta44 permalink
    January 10, 2013 1:31 pm

    Very well-said, thank you.

  4. January 10, 2013 2:11 pm

    Lisa has a great point on body dysmorphia, although it seems as though if someone is dysmorphic, they would also say “I am fat” rather than “I feel fat.” But I think you’re absolutely right: reducing “fat” to how you feel when your clothes don’t fit right can take away from the experience of people who don’t get to pick and choose which days they “feel’ fat. They’re living fat every day.


  5. queenie permalink
    January 10, 2013 5:28 pm

    I try really hard not to say “I feel fat” when really I’m just less thin than I used to be. But I want you to know that while I really DO feel fat even when I’m rilly, rilly thin (former/recovering anorexic) I’m talking about MYSELF.

    When I look at other people in all of their diversity, their thinness/fatness isn’t important to me at all. My body image of other people is perfectly healthy. As in, you’re a person who happens to be whatever size you are. It’s my body image of myself that is totally wack. I know this, but as far as I know nothing will change it; I see a giant fat person in the mirror no matter what my size, which is weird because that is pretty much the only place I see a giant fat person.

    So you’re not my worst nightmare. I am. Or, at least, my reflection is. Try not to think of me as rude so much as mentally ill.

  6. January 10, 2013 5:47 pm

    Unfortunately, that same fat-phobia has not only made its way “across the pond” (as it were) it has completely taken over every modern country; and even some more remote countries. While I agree that “fat is not a feeling”…I can’t tell you how many times a therapist has reiterated this to me. I also feel as though those with EDNOS (restricting and purging such as myself) are not taken medically serious because I am still medically “obese”. Many people and medical professionals seem to think that ED equates to thinness, and that no person who presents as “fat” could possibly be suffering from a life threatening condition. It is hard to live in a culture where we feel it common place to make inconsiderate comments to one another such as “I feel fat”. How would one reply to that? 1) Oh no, you’re not fat or 2) yeah, you look fat too or 3) me too…? I don’t know. Oh, and that BMI thing they do in school is complete crap. I had to do it too. Completely traumatizing. I wrote about that on my own blog. I feel like we all just need to be kinder to both ourselves and everyone else. Thank you for being part of the kindness movement

  7. January 10, 2013 6:08 pm

    While I’m not an owner or a moderator Queenie, and that’s why I am a promoter of body diversity, not only because of my own body dysmorphia issues (although when I was thin I knew it but didn’t flaunt it) but the stigmatization that goes with fat, hurts everyone including people who are dying of anorexia.
    They don’t weigh people at the door, when it comes to size/fat acceptance so as a member of the group vs an owner or a mod, I can say I apppreciate your honesty. I didn’t have weight loss surgery because I had any health issues, I hated myself after being hated all my life or thought (it wasn’t distorted thinking on my part, I got bullied A LOT) that after my pregnancy with my son, when I had hyperemesis of pregancy,and I pregnant at 22 by him a guy who was just a fling and was embarassed he fucked a fat chick, and left for the next 18 years, I became bulemic. It didn’t make me thin,however it controlled in a very disturbing way my weight swings, until I had surgery.
    There are thin allies in fat acceptance. People who happen to actually be of adipose and struggle with it, doesn’t mean they aren’t welcome. I have seen people join though FA groups as an incentive to stay thin and I’m not accusing you of doing that. In my case, my bulemia, my starving, my binging, my eating food out of a garbage can had nothing to do with food. It did have to do with low self esteem for how I’ve been treated.
    I’m not a psychiatrist, I don’t play one on here, or on Facebook. I hope you can discharge the negativity of what you think fat is for your own peace of mind. That’s one of the things I hope for everyone whether they are truly dealing with prejudices from a society that hates us for being fat or a distorted mindset where then it’s never been about fat. I’ve read enough books though and to recovery from disordered eating, I realized if I didn’t abuse myself with food it would’ve been with something else, perhaps the same thing applies in your situation with the distorted vision you have when you look at the mirror. Peace….

    • queenie permalink
      January 10, 2013 6:28 pm

      Well, I’m a lot older now. I like myself, flaws and all, a lot better than I did when I was actively anorexic. I still see a giant fat (now wrinkly as well!) person in the mirror but oddly it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to. Maybe my vision is starting to go…

      The point isn’t that I hate myself, it’s that just because I think I’m fat doesn’t mean I’m judging anybody else. It’s my problem, and if I say “I feel fat” that isn’t connected to you in any way.

      But I will try hard to keep my proclamations to myself. I never thought about whose feelings I might be hurting.

      • January 10, 2013 7:50 pm

        ****potential trigger warning****
        Queenie, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and like I said it’s not my board, I’m neither an owner or admin.
        I’m saying I relate to having an eating disorder. I’m a size acceptance advocate in addition to a fat acceptance advocate, in certain circles that’s not mutually exclusive, it is here though.
        Like I said they don’t weigh anyone at the door. You don’t have to apologize for how you feel, people do triggered, that’s one of the things about fat acceptance and those of us who promote fat acceptance and advocacy is that no one can look at another person and know what they’ve done or not done to either be of weight or lose weight just by looking at them.
        I at my thinnest still had very low to non existent self esteem. Then I nearly died and lost my ability to do almost everything except type wordy posts on Facebook. I haven’t launched my blog “Unstapled Lisa” which refers to both the fact I needed my gastric bypass undone to save my life, and the nervous breakdown that followed when I was at my thinnest but got sick, when I was in the process of launching my own business, as a Certified Personal Trainer.
        My weight fluctuates, but I have kept off some weight. While my weight draws attention such as I live in MN when at places like Mall of America at Betsey Johnson, Guess or Bebe, It doesn’t attract as much attention as it did at my heaviest. I went into my gastric bypass at a size 24, I was a size 9 for about 2 1/2 years, and the last 3 1/2 years on the average of a size 4. The problem is that being thin after having no self esteem and yet to be diagnosed bipolar, didn’t matter. I still thought I was a piece of shit. Then I lost the ability to drive, work and raise my kids (ironically my 2nd child I got pregnant with 6 1/2 months after my wls with a bbw admirer, and I guess I have to appreciate the irony as I knew him and prior to my wls I was the lightest woman he dated, by the time I got pregnant with my daughter, who I also had hyperemesis of pregnancy(meaning I threw up so much I didn’t gain weight with either kid) when I got hit with a ton of medical complications which led to a nervous breakdown when I couldn’t do anything anymore.
        Between pregnancy, bulemia, post wls complications, I’ve thrown up thousands of times. My hair and teeth are disengrating. While I did gain 96 out of 107 lbs I ended up losing, obviously losing the ability to raise my kids was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through.
        People don’t know in either circle as I participate both as a Fat Acceptance advocate, but I still am in the wls community, not as a promoter but as a form of support to both give and get. It’s very unusual my circumstances regarding my reversal of my gastric bypass, but most of the damage I’ve suffered is irreversible
        I do get though congratulated when I run into people who I did meet at my heaviest after my wls, seeing them now for losing weight. it doesn’t mean anything. I once I lost my ability to raise my kids, nothing else mattered.
        I’m not trying to hijack Heather’s blog. I think she rocks. I think and I see this all the time on social media where we pit women against each other. It needs to stop. People need to stop body shaming on both sides and own their own bodies, sometimes it’s easier said then done.
        It was never my intention to question your intent by your post, bottom line. I relate more then you think I do. I at my thinnest though never thought wls as I got so sick initially (it was done 11 years ago, and reversed 2 years ago) and always supported fat acceptance for others, it took a lot longer for it to come to myself. I never meant if I did, to hurt your feelings… Peace…

        • January 10, 2013 7:54 pm

          Trigger warning/part 2
          I’m currently about a size 14/16…. some smaller, some bigger because as I said before my weight can be transient. I don’t purposely try to gain or lose weight, but by the time one needs a gastric bypass undone they have an enormous amount of problems eating, even though I gained that amount of weight due to the psychotropic cocktail from hell I was on. I’m not a very effective writer, between severe long term nutritional deficiencies, those drugs, I don’t think or write in a logical sequence of order, among a zillion other things. Sorry I wasn’t clearer…

        • The Real Cie permalink
          January 11, 2013 3:24 am

          I have bipolar type II, and it wasn’t diagnosed until I was 38. I really struggled with my feelings about having an incurable disease, and a major mental illness, for a number of years. I mostly accept it now, but there are days when I still think, “well, gee, could I be any more fucked up than I am?”

        • sandrawhin permalink
          January 11, 2013 5:13 pm

          To Unstapled Lisa-
          You have a very unique perspective plus some uncommon wisdom, since you have experienced life from so many angles. Thanks for sharing.
          I’m sending fierce, fat cyber hugs for all you’ve been through.

      • The Real Cie permalink
        January 11, 2013 3:21 am

        I know where you’re coming from. I fight with it myself, even now.

  8. LittleBigGirl permalink
    January 10, 2013 7:23 pm

    Thought-provoking post. To my knowledge, no one ever says “I feel fat” as a good thing. And 9 times out of 10, “I feel fat” just translates to “I feel dissatisfied with my body.” The only time I can think of where “I feel fat” would be a literal proclamation and not a projection of self-esteem issues would be when you feel bloated from your period or something. 😛
    I do not go through my life “feeling” fat, but some days I feel…well I don’t feel thin but I feel less *aware* of my fat I guess. It doesn’t last unfortunately. Like I can go all day not “feeling” fat, then I go to a movie and I sit in the theater seat…when the arm rest hits my hips – bam! I feel fat. Nothing can make you feel fat and embarrassed like armrests on a chair. Or when I try something on in a clothing store that doesn’t fit – technically I could say the item is too small but more often than not I end up thinking I am too big. So sometimes saying “I feel fat” is really short hand for “I am frustrated and fucking fed up with this thin-obsessed culture that puts so many obstacles in my way and then tries to blame me for it by targeting my fat.” But that’s a lot more words. 😉

  9. Lindsay permalink
    January 10, 2013 7:58 pm

    Though I am more of an inbetweenie myself I empathesize a great deal with your post as I am both very big into ED recovery and size activism myself. I found personally that the further I got into recovery, the less I participated in ED recovery projects because it became more triggering than helpful to be around sick people and hearing their thoughts. I went to treatment a few years ago and I was also sometimes uncomfortable being around anorexic patients and knowing how being like me would be unbearable for them, and feeling like they were “better” at their eating disorder for getting thin with it. That being said I found that a lot of people with active EDs were still way more sensitive and less triggering than when discussing things than your average joe/jane who will make a fat joke or negative comment without a second thought…

    The hard thing is people have this cultural idea of what it means to have an eating disorder – very thin people. And the response to thin people who have eating disorders: You’re not fat! But what about when you are? Then people are just confused if not disbelieving…they won’t feel as sorry for a fat person with an ED as they would someone who was emaciated. And so many of us feel ashamed to tell our stories because we know people feel this way. Personally I feel fat people with eating disorders need a LOT more resources, and not the ones that say “go on a diet!”

    P.S. I will be looking into your subreddit! I’m somewhat addicted to reddit as a whole though the amount of fatphobia on the general threads is godawful…

  10. January 10, 2013 10:41 pm

    I’m sure you’re helped a lot of people already, though you’ll probably never know it.

  11. January 10, 2013 10:50 pm

    I’m sorry, I really am, and maybe it’s my Aspie inability to see shades of grey, but if you are terrified of being fat, I don’t see how that isn’t inherently fat-hating. You (general you) are inherently terrified by and opposed to everything that a fat person is by definition. I don’t think that someone with a legitimate fear of being fat is doing so maliciously, but at the same time, I can’t help but be tired and disappointed by what really sounds like an excuse for fat-hating. I’m sorry if I just don’t get it, but I don’t.

    • The Real Cie permalink
      January 11, 2013 2:51 am

      I’ll try to explain in terms of the perspective that I was seeing things from when I was one of those annoying not-fat women who believed that I was fat because I wasn’t twig skinny. I didn’t hate fat people. I didn’t believe that anyone should be oppressed or belittled because of their physique. But I SAW how fat people were treated, how the media viewed them as ugly and disgusting. I was so terrified of being ostracized that in my mind, anything would have been better than being fat. I saw the hypocrisy in this view, but I didn’t know how to resolve it. I fought with it until just a couple years ago when I discovered blogs like this one.

    • queenie permalink
      January 11, 2013 9:46 am

      Again, speaking strictly for myself, it’s much more a self-hating thing. I hate feeling fat, but honestly I could care less what you weigh. I’m not that fond of the shape of my nose either, although some people find it perfectly attractive, and I certainly don’t go around judging other people’s noses. I will certainly try to keep my feelings about my appearance to myself, but perhaps when people say that they are fat in a self-disparaging way you could just reflect it back to them. It’s about them. It’s their problem. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or your appearance.

    • Marilyn permalink
      January 11, 2013 1:55 pm

      Body dysmorphism has nothing to do with other people. I have been called ‘fat’ and I have felt fat at any weight. I can look at myself in the mirror and see that I’m not fat. Still, in my mind, I can see myself as big as someone literally twice my size. I feel like I’m morbidly obese although logically I know I’m normal weight. I often think I look your size. It’s no insult to you. I see myself that way because I’ve been called fat by strangers, doctors, nurses, family members, classmates, coworkers, etc. I’ve been called fat so many times by so many people that my subconscious believes that I must be although I can look in the mirror and see that I’m not. Feeling fat is feeling the way I feel when I’m called fat by people. It’s that uncomfortable, self-doubting feeling. Often, it was nothing to do with fat.

      Before I lost weight, I was a smaller fat person, an inbetweenie. I weighed in the middle of the overweight range BMI and wore between a size 10 and 16. I’m now in the normal range BMI and wear a size 4. It doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally see myself as bigger than I am. It is my problem. An ED group would be a place someone would feel comfortable talking about body dymorphism or other cognizant dissonances caused by the perception of body size.

      • January 11, 2013 2:16 pm

        The point being, though, that people see being fat as this death sentence. Can you (and I’m being serious, not snarky) honestly tell me that someone terrified of being fat doesn’t look at me with terror or at least pity? i’m really trying to comprehend, but that seems flamingly illogical … then again, one of my autism therapist’s favorite sayings is that the world is not logical, alas …

        • The Real Cie permalink
          January 11, 2013 3:13 pm

          CC, it is flamingly illogical. It is a sick, twisted message that gets fed into the mind of everybody in this society from day one, but some are able to fight it better than others.
          I can say that no, I never looked at people of any size with terror. I looked at myself with terror, in fear that I would become PERCEIVED as even uglier than I already thought I was. It wasn’t that I thought that larger people were ugly, but I knew that a lot of people thought of larger people as ugly. I already perceived myself as ugly on the scale of Quasimodo or worse, so add to that being fat in a fat hating society. That is what I was terrified of. And yes, it is a horrible, messed up way to think.

          • Marilyn permalink
            January 11, 2013 3:28 pm

            Cie, you explained it better. I knew logically that I wasn’t obese although I was called it by nurses and doctors even. My sister, the last time I saw her, described me as being as large as her ex. I was 140, not 300 pounds like her ex. My niece that saw me later couldn’t understand why her mother made twelve pounds into a hundred and fifty. The doctor that saw me for my anxiety issues last month implied although I’ve lost twenty pounds due to anxiety I shouldn’t worry unless my weight goes into the underweight category of the BMI.

            It’s not that I see other people as fat. It’s that I see myself as fat even when I’m not because I’ve been called fat so many times. I look at myself and think I must be seeing myself wrong because I’m small, not fat like I’ve been called. I look at fat people and think that I’m like them when I’m not. That’s the cognitive dissonance. I have no fear of fat. I already often mistakenly think that I am.

        • queenie permalink
          January 11, 2013 3:14 pm

          Well, I don’t. See, it’s all about me. Me and my neuroses. Frankly, I think a lot of people are like that. They’re so worried about their own weight/height/age/IQ/social status/whatever that they can’t even see yours.

  12. The Real Cie permalink
    January 11, 2013 2:52 am

    I’ve been fighting with a resurgence of disordered behavior surrounding my eating. I haven’t purged, but I did binge a couple of times. Then when I pretty much ran out of food (payday is tomorrow, fortunately) I started thinking to myself “well, maybe if I just stopped eating. I’ve really been struggling with this because I have no one to turn to. I can’t afford counseling so I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants. So this post is very timely.

  13. vesta44 permalink
    January 11, 2013 6:52 pm

    There’s another side to this body dysmorphia thing too, and I have it. I’m DEATHFATZ, I know I’m DEATHFATZ, and I’m okay with that, but every time I see myself in a mirror, I’m shocked that I look that fat. In my head, I don’t see myself as nearly as fat as I actually am. And let me tell you, when that cognitive dissonance hits, it’s really hard to say that I love my body just the way it is. I’m lucky that we don’t have any full-length mirrors in our house (or maybe not, I haven’t decided yet) so that the only time I see my whole body is when I’m walking into a store and see my full reflection in the door. Then it hits me all over again that my body could be used as one of those “headless fatties” that the media uses to illustrate how fat people are ruining the country. The fact that I have a hard time finding certain items of clothing that fit properly should bring it home to me how fat I really am, but I know other people have that problem too, so it doesn’t reinforce for me that I’m that fat. It’s only actually seeing my whole body reflected back at me that does that. The rest of the time, I know I’m fat but I just don’t see myself as that fat, ya know? It’s something I’ve been working on, but haven’t quite been able to reconcile yet.

    • The Real Cie permalink
      January 14, 2013 12:40 pm

      I fight with this too. Especially on days when I’m in a downward spiral anyway.


  1. Friday links, 1/11/13 « Tutus And Tiny Hats

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