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New Leaf —

April 1, 2013

Trigger warning: Weight loss advice.

As some of you may know, I recently started a subreddit specifically for asking questions related to Health at Every Size®. We’ve had a flood of people from reddit’s fitness forums who are curious about how HAES works, which is great. But then we’ve had some people complain that it’s not fair that we don’t allow discussion of weight loss advice on our blog. I mean, what if people come looking for weight loss advice and we don’t allow the fitness subreddits to give them that advice?

Think about it: the audience we’re reaching out to are fatties, so we’re totally missing an opportunity to help our core constituency finally get skinny.

So after much reflection and soul-searching, I have decided to offer up “the other side” of the argument so that we can fairly represent both perspectives. After all, if we don’t offer weight loss advice on Fierce Fatties, where oh where can people turn to for information on losing weight?

As any fool knows, all you have to do is not eat as much and your body will simply substitute your stored energy (aka fat) for the energy that you get from eating food. So, the easiest way to lose weight, then, is to stop eating so much food.

Enter The Pica Diet.

For those unfamiliar with pica, it’s a mental disorder where people consume objects other than food, possibly due to mineral deficiencies or psychological reasons. Although it can be caused by a physical illness, such as celiac disease, it’s also been reported among pregnant women as well. For example, my wife had a pregnant friend who would run her fingers along the bumpers of cars in a parking lot and lick the dirt off her finger.

People with more extreme forms of pica will eat rocks, dirt, nails, wood, paper, hair, glass, chalk, or even urine and mucous. Whatever’s not food, that’s what you eat. As a result, the person can ingest so much non-food that it causes an intestinal blockage and the contents must be removed by a doctor.

Pica Ingestion

The contents in the stomach of a person with pica.

But think about it: if your stomach is blocked with a 20-pound bag of nails, you won’t feel hungry right? And even if you are hungry, that feeling is your body’s way of saying that The Pica Diet is working!

Couple the all-natural minerals you get from ingesting rocks with some vitamin supplements, and you’ve got the ideal way to shed weight quickly and easily.

To get you started, I’ve got a delicious recipe for a rock salad that will be a hit at your next dinner party.

Pine Chert Salad

  • 2 pounds of chert
  • 1 pound of pine wood chips
  • 1/2 cup scoria crumbles
  • 20 soft, quarter-sized balls of kaolinite clay
  • Two cups of fine hair

Chip the chert into flakes and toss with pine wood chips. Make a layer of the chert and pine mix in the bottom of your bowl. In a separate bowl, mix the scoria, kaolinite and hair into delightful pesto and sprinkle over the top of  the pine/chert base. Top off with your favorite dressing. I recommend a basalt and vinegar blend. Enjoy with a light glass of urine or mucous.

Follow this plan consistently for one year and you’ll be nothing but skin and bones in no time!

(Note: Yes, this is a ridiculous April Fools post. No, I do not seriously recommend eating Pine Chert Salad. No, I am not mocking those who suffer from pica. The April Fools in question are those who complain that if we have a website for fat people that we must give weight loss gurus equal to spout their nonsense. Get over yourselves, assholes.)

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Elizabeth permalink
    April 1, 2013 12:00 pm

    This is so fucking sick — I LOVE IT!

    We had a doggy with pica; she ate tissues and cotton handkerchiefs, and we had to stop using the latter. We adopted her at age nine from the woman who had had her since eight weeks; she had terrible anxiety and poor nutrition. I assumed the pica had something to do with unmet nutritional needs, but kleenex?

  2. vesta44 permalink
    April 1, 2013 2:21 pm

    This is so funny! Reminds me that when I was a kid, I used to tear the corners off the pages in my books and eat them – not all of my books, mind you, just the really old ones that had that thick, off-white paper, and you knew when you were reading it you had a BOOK in your hands. I did that from the time I was about 7 or 8 until I was probably 12 or 13. Haven’t thought about that in years. . . .

  3. JeninCanada permalink
    April 1, 2013 8:46 pm

    LOL! Awesome, Shannon.

  4. April 2, 2013 12:16 am

    Let me tell y’all, some of those people who troll the subReddit must have had a lobotomy done or something.

    Troll: what color is the sky?
    Atchka or I: the sky’s color varies from time, place, weather patterns and wind, and can vary from red to dark blue and even white or black.
    Troll: yeah but what is the sky’s real color?
    Me: *headdesk*

  5. Len permalink
    April 2, 2013 6:09 am

    LOVE IT! But seriously now, every now and again I really, really want to eat clay. Sometimes our local health food shop sells clean clay that is actually edible in little packets. So evidently it’s not all that unusual. Apparently it’s some sort of trendy health thing but I don’t know what it’s meant to achieve: I do it because of cravings. I always feel much better afterwards.

    Oh yeah, and still fat. So … the old Clay Diet not doing a lot in that respect.

    • Elizabeth permalink
      April 2, 2013 1:00 pm

      Len, my understanding is that clay would be high in minerals. People have been eating clay/dirt for millennia. Soil is also full of good microorganisms, so I never worry about eating a little dirt with a homegrown carrot. And how many of us here know that you can eat superb food (with a little dirt thrown in) and still be fat?

      • Len permalink
        April 10, 2013 2:48 am

        Very true! (Mmm. Homegrown carrots. Yum.)

  6. April 3, 2013 2:59 pm

    I’m making me some Pine Chert Salad tonight. I’m also feeding it to my average weight son. Because, you know, you can never start dieting soon enough, and even though he’s slim now, he could get fat later if he doesn’t jump on the Restrictive Eating bandwagon!

  7. April 3, 2013 3:00 pm

    Reblogged this on The Cheese Whines and commented:
    I’m making me some Pine Chert Salad tonight. I’m also feeding it to my average weight son. Because, you know, you can never start dieting soon enough, and even though he’s slim now, he could get fat later if he doesn’t jump on the Restrictive Eating bandwagon!
    Shannon cracks me up.

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