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Tequila vs. the Fat Men

April 17, 2014

There is a crazy new way to lose weight, y’all.


Just take a couple of shots a day and voila! Suddenly skinny.

This is what Atchka said to me when he read that bit.

Oh, I did? Huh, Well, OK the stuff comes from the tequila plant at least. Agave sugars were recently studied in mice and the study was presented to the American Chemical Society here in Dallas, Texas. According to the study, mice were put into seven different groups: the control group that got water and six other groups that had their water spiked with different types of sweeteners.

Apparently, the mice who ate agavin did as well as the mice with plain water. Cool beans. So, the findings suggest that agavin could be good for those with diabetes, since it didn’t raise the mice’s blood sugar when consumed. Also awesome.

In the abstract, Mercedes López of the Centro de Incetagcioan y de Estudios Avanzados, Biotechnology and Biochemistry Irapuato, in Guanajuato, Mexico, wrote”We believe agavins have a great potential as a light sweetener… They are sugars, highly soluble, with a low glycemic index and a neutral taste…This puts agavins in a tremendous position for their consumption by obese and diabetic people.” Emphasis mine.

Wait, what’s this? You mean to tell me that you have to justify your research on a sweetener by saying it will be good for fatties? Cuz you be jokin’, right? Well, to MedPage Today, Dr. Lopez basically touted her findings primarily for diabetics. This basically tells me that she probably got paid to say she was studying a new sweetener to save us fatties from ourselves. And sure enough, in the press release for the results that were presented at the the 247th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society (ACS), toward the bottom it says, “The study was supported by Mondelez International and Agavaceae Produce.”

Mondelez International formed in 2011 when Kraft Foods split into a snack food company (Mondelez) and a grocery company (Kraft Foods Group). Mondelez owns a LOT of brands you know, like Cadbury, Chips Ahoy, Oreo, Ritz, Wheat Thins and many more. Agavaceae Produce is an unknown entity. There’s nothing online about them, but agavacae is the family of plants that include agaves. Presumably, they’re Mondelez’s agave source.

So it’s not surprising in the least that both Fox and Newser reported the findings as a NEW ANTI-OBESITY WEAPON. Er, the heck?

On a related note, look at this:

What do you see? Personally, I need a typical white man. He’s pretty average, eh?

Well, if you said the same thing, you would be correct: this 3D man is the “average American male.”

What’s so special about him? HE IS INCREDIBLY FAT OMG!!1!!!!ELEVEN!!!

I mean just look at the horrible fat monster compared to the amazingly awesome other people:


No seriously, that’s the tone of the HuffPost article.

America’s expanding waistline may not be new news, but throwing the average American male’s body into a line-up spotlights America’s obesity epidemic, which is exactly what Pittsburgh-based artist Nickolay Lamm did when he created these visualizations (which obviously deal only with body size and not ethnicity or skin color).

“I wanted to put a mirror in front of us,” Lamm told The Huffington Post in an email. “Americans like to pride ourselves on being the best country in the world. However, it’s clear that other countries have lifestyles and healthcare better than our own.”

Just, nope I’m toast. Throw some jam on me and call me breakfast, cuz I’m finished.

Kitsune Yokai

6 Comments leave one →
  1. vesta44 permalink
    April 17, 2014 10:38 am

    That’s the problem with a company coming up with a new sweetener – it might have started out as a way to help those with diabetes, but it always ends up as a way to “prevent” the OMGOBESITY!1!!11 and get rid of all the fatty fat fat mcfattersons. (heavy sarcasm)Because of course, it’s just not good enough to make it on its own as a dietary supplement for those with diabetes, it just has to have another reason to make it marketable, and what’s better than as a way to rid the world of the scourge of fat people?(/sarcasm)
    Nikolay Lamm? Isn’t he the asshole who’s making the “average-sized” Barbie doll? The one who thinks that making dolls in all shapes would be “promoting” obesity? Yeah, fuck him. WTF does he know from “obesity”?

    • Dizzyd permalink
      April 22, 2014 8:08 pm

      I’d be scared of a dickwad like this making dolls of all shapes. He’d probably be the type to use it for evil, like voodoo or something.

      • Dizzyd permalink
        April 22, 2014 8:08 pm

        Oh, wait! He DOESN’T want to make dolls in all shapes? Whew, we’re safe!

  2. April 17, 2014 11:30 am

    Wait. Since when did HuffPo publish pictures of un-decapitated fat people?

    (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)

  3. April 19, 2014 2:22 pm

    Reblogged this on Sly Fawkes and commented:
    Drinking tequila–that would be great for my diabetes! On the other hand, it would make me vomit, which would inhibit the absorption of calories. In no time at all I would be SKINNY!!!!1!11! WHEEEEEEE!!!!111!111!

  4. Dizzyd permalink
    April 22, 2014 8:06 pm

    And if nothing else, getting drunk is lots of fun!

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