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Fat Godzilla Rules

May 15, 2014

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I was recently pulled out of semi-retirement, where I basically sat in a back room letting my soul wither and die, to discuss the dark comedy of disaster that is the Fat Godzilla Controversy of 2014.


Oh no, they say he’s got to go.

I’m qualified to pontificate on this subject because I’ve spent a vast majority of my life imagining everyone around me as a mythical claymation stop-motion creature from a Ray Harryhausen movie or else watching every single monster movie ever made.

Godzilla was my favorite.

Godzilla vs Megalon

You would think from the poster that Godzilla and Megalon fought on top of the World Trade Center. You’d be wrong.

Rising from the depths of Tokyo Bay, destroying the Japanese cityscape, scorching the earth, wailing his signature metallic prehistoric screech. There wasn’t a behemoth better at getting you to stand up straight and run for your life.

He fought Mothra, Ghidrah, Mechagodzilla, Destroyah, Megalon, the Smog Monster, etc., etc., and not once did someone complain about how he looked doing it. The miraculous mass appeal of Godzilla is that he doesn’t give a shit how he looks to you. He topples cities, melts towers, and stomps on thousands of innocent fleeing civilians. He’s big and he’s proud. You are small and powerless, and, if he turns down your block, no amount of griping about his girth is going to save you.

Let’s be honest — you don’t want low-wattage, skinny half-assery in your reptilian monster movies. You want grand sweeping destruction! No one left alive! Smoking piles of wreckage! A big, hulking, fire-breathing creature born like a phoenix rising from the ashes of our nuclear mistakes!

You want Godzilla large and in charge. As Producer Thomas Tull said this week, “We think our Godzilla is just right and we’re not asking him to go on a diet, even for the red carpet.”

I, for one, plan to be there to cheer on the big guy the day he waddles his fat ass across screens tomorrow night to kick off the summer movie watching season!

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Twistie permalink
    May 15, 2014 1:28 pm

    The Godzilla love is strong in this one.

    There’s nothing like Godzilla. If I could be a monster, I’d be Godzilla every single time. Vampires? They’re just leeches with legs (and don’t even get me started on ones that sparkle!). Werewolves? Nah, they’re just people ninety per cent of the time, and when they’re monsters, all their clothes get ripped to shreds. The wardrobe alone would make me opt out.

    But Godzilla… Godzilla freaking rules. Godzilla takes on all comers and kicks ass. Plus? Cool vocalizations and a tail!

    I’d like to conclude with my favorite line from the deathless classic Godzilla 2000: There’s a little Godzilla in all of us.

  2. Nof permalink
    May 15, 2014 5:24 pm

    As a lizard owner…lizards are not people. Lizards are not skinny. This whole thing is so weird to me because have you looked at a lizard lately? Go look at some Uromastyx pics.

  3. Leila Haddad permalink
    May 16, 2014 3:01 am

    I love this post but….I was rooting for Mothra!

    • Silver Sue permalink
      May 16, 2014 11:33 am

      I was just a little kid first time I saw Rodan on tv, and I cried my eyes out at the end. I’m now 60 – I still cry when the 2 Rodans die together.

      But of all the kaiju creatures, Godzilla is also my favorite. We have some old Godzilla comics, including Godzilla vs Charles Barkley, and 4 different action figures on shelves, only 2 in the original packages. We’ve seen every Godzilla movie and cartoon there ever was, and still chuckle when daddy stomps on junior’s tail to get him to stop blowing smoke rings and start breathing fire.

      In honor of The Big Green Guy’s anniversary, hubby and I are going to watch the original – *real* original Gojira, the one before they spliced in Raymond Burr – this afternoon on our brand new HDTV (We just replaced a 30 year old 14″CRT tv that was so old it didn’t have captioning. We’re amazed at the detail in this 32″ LED screen!) Anyway, I know I’ll probably start blubbering when the the oxygen destroyer is turned on and Dr. Serizawa cuts his air hose and he and Godzilla turn to bones.

      I can no longer tolerate watching movies in theaters – I can’t sit anywhere for 2+ hours – so I’ll be waiting for the DVD release in a few months, instead, to see it. I’m sure enough people will post parts of it on YouTube that I can probably put the whole movie together soon.

  4. May 16, 2014 9:58 am

    [shrug] I really don’t do giant monster flicks unless robots and a dude in a jumpsuit are along for the ride.

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