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Freeze Yo Body

July 9, 2014


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Weight LossFat Health

Trigger warning: Weight loss idiocy.

Welcome to today’s addition of Snake Oil Inc., where we lovingly sell you the best medical care your money can by. This week, there’s a brand new way to screw up your body! er, I mean “lose weight.” Do you like the cold? Do you like water? Then you will love this: CoolSculpting!

That’s right folks, you can permanently damage your body’s cells by freezing them to death.

You see, by applying constantly cold water to your “trouble spot,” the cells freeze and burst, effectively destroying them. After a while, the dead tissue is removed by your immune system, because it doesn’t have anything else to do. Oh and don’t worry about pain; customers say your body goes numbs after 10 minutes!

And the welts fade away after a few days!

Of course, this is only meant for body builders, athletes, and models, not for “the very obese.” Remember, it’s permanent, as long as you don’t gain weight. “Many people, after seeing the results from their CoolSculpting procedure, take even better care of themselves. However, if you do gain weight, you may gain it evenly all over your body, not just in the treated areas.” So don’t worry if you gain back your weight, it will be all even and you won’t even notice it! You will get “a new lease on life”!

Freezement of small areas runs for a cheap $600, while larger areas are a cool $1,200.

Get this while it’s hot hot hot!


These statements are, hopefully, sarcastic in nature. How awful is it that we have to abuse our bodies like this? 

Kitsune Yokai

11 Comments leave one →
  1. Twistie permalink
    July 9, 2014 11:06 am

    Better living through frostbite?

    This is really seriously fucked up.

  2. July 9, 2014 12:32 pm

    Maybe they could combine this method with that thing where people have abrasive pads sewn to their tongues. After the pad is attached, bombard the patient’s mouth with lots of dry ice to help discourage them from ever eating again. If this snaps off a few teeth, so much the better. :/

    Or the opposite. Build a special walk-in freezer at the local gym. Bolt a giant a belt sander to the freezer floor with its abrasive side up. Then have the patient lie over it with their offending belly exposed. Huzzah. :/

    • LittleBigGirl permalink
      July 9, 2014 3:59 pm

      SHHHHH! Don’t give them any more ideas!!! 😦

      • July 12, 2014 12:10 am

        Sorry, but you know that Doc Oz has left a huge power vacuum now that he’s had his wrist slapped by the Government. I just want to get rich ripping off vulnerable strangers and get on the cover of Oprah’s magazine. Is that so wrong?! [sulks]

    • Dizzyd permalink
      July 10, 2014 7:24 pm

      They might decide that they should go with the ol’ “Christmas Story” treatment: stick your tongue to an iced flagpole and see how much you’ll be able to eat until the spring thaw, fatty!

  3. LittleBigGirl permalink
    July 9, 2014 3:58 pm

    WHAT?! WHAT?! (I just scared my dog because we’re here alone and I started yelling at my laptop).
    That is NOT how fat cells work! I can’t even…*brain explodes*

  4. Jennifer Hansen permalink
    July 9, 2014 5:35 pm

    Meanwhile I’m over here dealing with chronic soft tissue inflammation for which my PT told me that yes, I should be icing the area once or even twice, but when it so much as turns red, I am supposed to stop.

  5. lifeonfats permalink
    July 9, 2014 8:53 pm

    This has been around for a while. My local news channels, in their zeal to report how awful being fat is, every now and then will repeat a story on it. If I wanted to freeze my fat off, I’d move to Siberia!

  6. July 25, 2014 2:32 pm

    Yup, I wrote a blog post about this on my website. Here’s the link but your post is certainly much more graphic and informative than mine…which was more of a rantesque and reaction to seeing the billboards. Thanks for a great write up! There was also a recent article talking about how we can lose weight and improve our metabolism by sleeping in colder bedrooms! I kid you not! I’ll see if I can find the link to the article and post it when I have a moment.

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