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When It All Ends, the First Ones to Go Will Be the Skinny People and the Habitual Grammar Correctors

October 2, 2014

Dickweed

There are times when I sit around and imagine that *all this* (the societal norms, the demands, the organized religion, the rat race, the status quo, basically western civilization as we know it) falls.

Artwork by Yuri Shwedoff.

Amazing apocalyptic artwork of Yuri Shwedoff.

It all crumbles into a steaming dung heap of what used to be, leaving a lucky few remaining bastards holding all the cards and thinking about how awesome it’s going to be looking like a badass phoenix rising from the ashes of the end times.

Playing field, leveled.

The start over button has been hit. You don’t *HAVE* to do anything except grow food and eventually die.

In your shiny, new, boundless utopia, you make the rules in your soon-to-be-tight-knit tribe. Assholes, know-it-alls, people with terrible attitudes… sorry guys, move on to the next group.

Burning effigies of your enemies and singing “Kumbaya” around the campfire while you pass the conch shell you need to set some ground rules as you reconstruct society — think about what they should be…

1. I’m voting for equal rights across the board. If you pick a bushel of berries and I pick a bushel of berries, there is no way in hell you’re getting more tomatoes from Bill the tomato guy just because you are:

a. White

b. A dude

c. Feel entitled and would like to reestablish the old ground rules

2. All-sized people are treated equally. But in all honesty, the skinny ones starved too quickly and weren’t able to make it through the nuclear winter we had to endure.

3. Hipster douchebags, anyone in skinny jeans, old women pretending to dress like young girls to recapture something elusive they never had in the first place. You’re gone. We either hunted you down first or you changed gears immediately and you’re wearing loin cloths and fake animal pelts like the rest of us (nod to our animal friends).

4. Barter system. Like Mad Max and Beyond Thunderdome. Without Thunderdome or Tina Turner. No chain mail outfits.

5. People who corrected grammar, pronunciation or any such minutiae in the before times. They have been silenced. Removal of larynx or banishment. They get to choose, but don’t forget, they can still *silently* be making note of your grammar mistakes…

What would you change about the world if it all went to hell in a global Krakatoa-style, extinction-level event? Would fat rule? Would women form hair-braiding positivity circles while raising kids and governing the planet? Would it be matriarchal? Patriarchal? Would we all just lose our minds and go completely Lord Of The Flies in the absence of the heavy boot of authority?

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Fatfairy permalink
    October 2, 2014 10:58 pm

    I hope you’re joking about hunting and killing people who dressed in a way you don’t like or weren’t socially smooth enough.

    • October 2, 2014 11:21 pm

      She is absolutely joking. She is not literally saying we should kill people who wear skinny jeans any more than she’s saying that we should remove the larynxes of the Grammar Police. This is clearly satire inspired by post-apocalyptic shows like The Walking Dead. There is nothing in this piece that Duffy is proposing literally as a way to deal with obnoxious people.

      Peace,
      Shannon

      • October 3, 2014 12:37 am

        Really? I’m afraid as humor it’s not doing much for me. If it’s wrong to make hostile jokes at a fat women for not dressing as society says she should, why is it all right to do the same to old women?

        Seriously, that completely spoiled the piece for me. It was uncalled for and unnecessary.

        All right, then. I guess after the end of the world, I’ll be living alone in a cave, as a happy hermit with just my cats, my herb garden, and a rusty ten-speed for company. Far, far away from the eyes of “jokey” Fashion Cops. Ugh.

        • dufmanno permalink
          October 3, 2014 4:59 am

          Yeah, point taken- it started off more as a what your utopia would look like in an end times case scenario and went a little grotesque. I will say that I still don’t really like skinny jeans or grammar nudges, BUT I defiantly wouldn’t eat them.

      • Erin S. permalink
        October 3, 2014 3:04 am

        So is it also just a fun joke that we should laugh at when people suggest we be put to death, used for food, or be forced underground for not looking the way that someone else would prefer us to look? Yes, I’ve seen all of those suggested as “joking” ways to deal with presumably obnoxious fat people who just won’t toe the line drawn by our presumed ‘betters’.

        I’m with ms_xeno… as an example of humor this piece falls rather flat.

    • dufmanno permalink
      October 3, 2014 5:00 am

      I am. Totally joking.

  2. Fatfairy permalink
    October 3, 2014 12:19 am

    Atchka, thank you. I sometimes have difficulty telling whether people are joking, or if they really mean what they say.

    • October 4, 2014 4:11 pm

      Such is the nature of the Internet, you can’t tell who is serious and who is joking

  3. Maria permalink
    October 4, 2014 6:40 am

    I thought the whole piece was hilarious, it was so over the top, it had to be a joke and not for real, especially the bit about grammar fuss pots. Love your stuff Duffy.

    Sophie

  4. Hypatia351 permalink
    October 12, 2014 11:16 pm

    Who are you kidding, we would totally go all “Lord of the Flies”. Have you seen what goes on in reddit? People aren’t waiting for an apocalypse.

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