Be Sexy For Me

I grew up in a fairly conservative and religious household. Sexuality was something to be repressed and ashamed of. My aunt used to slut shame before we were even thinking of sex. As I grew up and into feminism, I began reclaiming my sexuality. I came out as bisexual and poly, began dating, exploring, having fun, and all that good stuff that comes with being an independent adult (much to my mother’s dismay I might add).

Despite the fact that fat women are often either fetishized or desexualized, as a feminist I was picky about who I slept with, and overall it’s been empowering and a plain ol’ good time for everyone involved. In fact, I have a date this week that I’m looking forward to.

But what do I do when someone asks me to be sexy?

I am coming up on class number three of a burlesque class that I’m taking. Once a week, I drive about an hour to another town to take this class. I’ve picked a stage name, learned to “peel” (and done so in front of a class while wearing thigh highs and a garter belt). But I feel absolutely ridiculous. I feel goofy and awkward and I want to laugh. Look, I can’t make sexy faces and have them be serious, I just can’t!

This has left me feeling inadequate and ashamed of myself. I’ve never had to be sexy before, just sexual. Never had to entice or seduce, it just … happened! I’ve been with men and women and never once did I try to be sexy. If I had, I’m fairly certain I would have failed.

This isn’t to say that fat women (or anyone else!) can’t be sexy. I’ve seen some fat women pull over a seductive look that would stop you in your tracks. It just isn’t for me. And yet I have to put together a performance centered around stripping on a stage and being sexy.

You know, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m going to be sending body love cards to friends. Maybe I should make one for myself because I need a serious reminder that I deserve to be sexy and, more so, my sexy doesn’t have to be someone else’s sexy.

I’ll admit that being a fat woman in a class of mostly thin women is getting to me. All the more reason that I need to tell my body what’s what and that it’s amazing and precious and wonderful.

Hey body, yeah you, did you know that I love you? Now, more than ever.