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Be Sexy For Me

February 10, 2015

My Boring-Ass LifeFat Sex

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I grew up in a fairly conservative and religious household. Sexuality was something to be repressed and ashamed of. My aunt used to slut shame before we were even thinking of sex. As I grew up and into feminism, I began reclaiming my sexuality. I came out as bisexual and poly, began dating, exploring, having fun, and all that good stuff that comes with being an independent adult (much to my mother’s dismay I might add).

Despite the fact that fat women are often either fetishized or desexualized, as a feminist I was picky about who I slept with, and overall it’s been empowering and a plain ol’ good time for everyone involved. In fact, I have a date this week that I’m looking forward to.

But what do I do when someone asks me to be sexy?

I am coming up on class number three of a burlesque class that I’m taking. Once a week, I drive about an hour to another town to take this class. I’ve picked a stage name, learned to “peel” (and done so in front of a class while wearing thigh highs and a garter belt). But I feel absolutely ridiculous. I feel goofy and awkward and I want to laugh. Look, I can’t make sexy faces and have them be serious, I just can’t!

This has left me feeling inadequate and ashamed of myself. I’ve never had to be sexy before, just sexual. Never had to entice or seduce, it just … happened! I’ve been with men and women and never once did I try to be sexy. If I had, I’m fairly certain I would have failed.

This isn’t to say that fat women (or anyone else!) can’t be sexy. I’ve seen some fat women pull over a seductive look that would stop you in your tracks. It just isn’t for me. And yet I have to put together a performance centered around stripping on a stage and being sexy.

You know, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m going to be sending body love cards to friends. Maybe I should make one for myself because I need a serious reminder that I deserve to be sexy and, more so, my sexy doesn’t have to be someone else’s sexy.

I’ll admit that being a fat woman in a class of mostly thin women is getting to me. All the more reason that I need to tell my body what’s what and that it’s amazing and precious and wonderful.

Hey body, yeah you, did you know that I love you? Now, more than ever.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Purple peonies permalink
    February 10, 2015 12:39 pm

    I’ve been to some fat burlesque performances… They’re smoking hot. Hotter than thinner burlesque. Maybe look up the Hubba Hubba Review or specifically fat burlesque for inspiration… Whatever you do, I hope you find your own inspiration. I love hearing about Fats getting into burlesque. We voyeurs need you 🙂

    You’re totally sexy. You can do it!

  2. vesta44 permalink
    February 10, 2015 1:05 pm

    Back when I was 19, I had a roommate who was a stripper – I’m talking costumes in layers, dancing, slowly peeling off each layer, taking items from audience members and using them in her dance (hats and eyeglasses that she perched on her breasts). Only on stag nights did she strip down to nothing – most of the time, she stripped down to pasties and a g-string. As I recall, she didn’t really have a sexy “look”, she just looked like she was enjoying what she was doing, and was having fun. She was one of the most popular dancers there.
    So I would say have fun with what you’re doing and don’t worry if some people don’t think you look sexy – some people will, and those are the ones you’re dancing for.

  3. February 10, 2015 3:05 pm

    I am totally grooving on your idea of sending your body a love-note for Valentine’s!

  4. February 11, 2015 6:32 pm

    Perhaps a burlesque routine that relies on humor would be something to try. Laughter and humor is very sexy, imo. 🙂

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